Sunday, June 29, 2014

Squirrelanoid is squirrel-annoying.

I bought Squirrelanoid. I'm having trouble trying to explain why I picked him out of all the other Turtle enemies. I think cost played a large part in my decision, since he was the cheapest out of all the villain characters on Amazon. After I finally got Squirrelanoid in my hands, I felt like I made the right choice, regardless of the physical and mental cost.

For those of you that aren't familiar with them, Squirrelanoids are the result of squirrels being exposed to Kraang's mutagen. They start off small and fluffy, eventually evolving into the form you see here. Their appearance is reminiscent of the Xenomorph from Aliens, with a similarly shaped head, and an extendable inner mouth.I can only imagine that they have the same "Kill everything!" disposition. Little squirrels are vicious enough, so I find it hard to believe a dip in some mutagen would improve their attitudes.

The past couple of weeks that I've had Squirrelanoid as my guest have been...interesting. It's a new experience for me, so I decided to document everything. Besides, it might help to have photographic evidence when it's time to file the insurance claims.

Though they may be mutants, Squirrelanoid is still a squirrel at heart. They're just a little larger, more ferocious, and slightly unhinged. They still love climbing trees, and like most squirrels I've met, they still love to scream at me. I've never been able to understand what they're saying, but going by the looks on their faces and their tone of voice, I think they're insulting my mother. Squirrelanoid is even worse. He can almost talk, which makes it a lot easier to understand when he's calling me a pansy.

This is Squirrelanoid making what I'm sure is a joke in bad taste.  "Hey Chris, look at the size of these nuts! I bet you've never seen a pair this big!" All I can do is sigh, and try to ignore him. Acknowledging the jokes would only encourage Squirrelanoid to act out more.

It was against my better judgement, but I allowed Squirrelanoid to come inside the house. He immediately started going through my game collection, and let out a piercing screech when he found Sly Cooper. I wasn't sure if it was a scream of happiness or anger, and trying to decipher the squeaks and screeches only left me more confused. I get the impression that he's jealous of Sly's success, something about rodent's should stick together. I haven't the heart to tell him that raccoons are more closely related to pandas than squirrels.

Squirrelanoid seemed like he was a little hungry, so I grabbed him a snack out of the cupboard. It looks like I've found yet another fan of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Oreo cookies. And really, who can blame him? They are absolutely delicious. Just don't watch them eat. There are few things more disturbing than seeing Squirrelanoid tearing into food with his weird alien mouth.

After finishing his Oreo, Squirrelanoid was understandably thirsty. So, while I went to go grab him a shot of milk, he decided to go after my beer. I left him with a mostly full bottle, and when I came back, there was barely a drop left. He tried to deny it, but by the way his screeches were slurring, I knew he was the culprit.

As soon as he finished the beer, Squirrleanoid started antagonizing the dogs. He started out by pulling on Kirby's ear. Kirby, being the kind and gentle dog that he is, just laid there patiently until Squirrelanoid got bored and moved on to his next victim.

Dug is the newest addition to our family, and he was resting peacefully in his crate until Squirrelanoid discovered him. His dreams of chasing birds and rolling in the grass were interrupted by the screeches and squeals of the mutant squirrel.

Poor Dug tried to get away by jumping up on the couch, but Squirrelanoid quickly scurried up and continued to terrorize him. It wasn't until he tried to tickle Dug's belly that the dog had enough and kicked him off the couch.

It was only a matter of seconds before a new victim presented itself. I guess Squirrelanoid was still frustrated about being beaten by the Turtles, and he decided to take it out on Lego Michelangelo. Luckily, I was able to stop him before any physical harm came to my favorite Turtle. I can't promise he won't have nightmares in the coming months though..

Sometimes you can pick on people and they'll shrug it off and move on. Other times, you mess with a Transformer that pulls a blaster and threatens to melt your face off. Squirrelanoid thought Silverstreak was joking around, until he fired a few warning shots through the ceiling. You tend to take people more seriously when they have the ability to turn you into a pile of ashes. As you can tell, even I was a little nervous. It's hard to keep a camera steady when there are chunks of drywall landing on your head.

It was about this time that Squirrelanoid decided he'd had enough, and was ready to go back outside. I opened the front door and watched him scurry into the yard, stopping just short of the road. I thought for sure he was going to run across, but then I watched as he scrambled into the open window of the next car that drove by, tossed the driver out of the passenger side door, and flipped me the bird as he sped off.

If I've learned anything from this experience, it's that I should clean the dogs' nose prints off the front windows before I start taking photos.


  1. Replies
    1. I kept thinking about those commercials while I was writing this. Ah..I miss the Noid.

  2. I like the fact that he is basically a squirrel xenomorph. Didn't the Kenner toyline explore the concept of xenomorphs taking on traits of their host animals? Or perhaps it was the movie with Winona Ryder. Either way, he's pretty cool.

    1. I keep reading that it's a throwback to the Pizza Monsters, which were pretty much xenomorphs made of pizza. I'm not sure how that would happen..

      I think Aliens taking on the trait of the host animal started in Alien 3, with the dog alien. Then it kinda spiraled with Kenner's toy line and Alien: Resurrection.

  3. Great read!I hope I never have to deal with a Squirrelanoid. Just In case I have my Joe's armed to the teeth!If that doesn't work then my McFarlane Barry Bonds figure carries a big stick ;)

    1. Thanks Tony! If the Joe's or Barry Bonds don't work, I hear they have a crippling addiction to Wasabi Almonds.

  4. Replies
    1. They're almost as bad as Vampire Raccoons.

    2. Yikes i forgot about those and the zombie chipmucks....I shiver at the thought.

  5. I haven't had the chance to crack open my Squirrelanoid figure yet. But after reading that yours calls you a pansy and guzzles down all your beer, I might just leave mine in the packaging...


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